How Do You Know When You've Gotten Home?

...that is my favorite phrase in the show; "If it looks the same everywhere you roam, how do you know when you've gotten home?"  It suggests a feeling of saudade (look it up, it's a beautiful word) that I think every human being experiences.  The song "Used to Be" is very nostalgic in general.  For some of the characters who sing it it represents a longing for the good feelings of past experiences, or a feeling of uncertainty about the future, or a feeling of being lost.  The aforementioned phrase stands out to me because "home" means so much more than the residence in which you grew up or currently reside, or even more than the people you live with; home is also a feeling, a sense of belonging, sometimes a thing you didn't know you were missing until you find it.  This phrase represents the evolution of almost every character in the show too...they are all craving something that is missing but they don't know what it is. They think winning the truck will fill in that void, but it's not anything material or external that's missing from their lives, it's their own sense of purpose.  They're all doing what so many people do in that they're looking to fill the void and create happiness with material things, rather than looking inside themselves...hell, that's the American way!  The contest, however, gives each contestant plenty of time to think about their lives and what it is they real want and need.  It is truly a "test of will" that elicits significant change from each person involved, though none of them are initially expecting it to be a spiritual journey (with the possible exception of Norma).  

When Chris enters the contest it is his last attempt at proving to himself and to his estranged wife and child that he is of value, that he is a strong man, though he believes himself to be a coward and a failure.  He has fought so hard to prove himself, and ended up completely losing himself, his faith in god, and his will to live along the way.  He has nothing left to lose (but everything to gain).

Preparing for and rehearsing this role has been a huge physical and mental challenge (though that's what us actors live for...roles that push us out of our comfort zone and force us to grow).  Chris has given up on himself, therefore I decided to "let myself go" for the duration of our process to better get outside myself and inside his head.  I haven't shaved since Rent ended (7 weeks ago), and the once smooth sultry Angel is now grizzly and un recognizable.  I have closed myself off from my friends and family (with the exception of my boyfriend) as much as I can without actually going insane.  I have put on 15lbs. from intense weight lifting.  I have spent a lot of time reflecting on a point in my life in which I was where Chris is now.

Despite the confident and positive person I am now, I spent many years in the dark, hating myself, hating others, hiding, pessimistic, very depressed.  Even though at that point I thought life was terrible, I wouldn't actually hit my rock bottom until many years later, which in turn spiraled me and skyrocketed me in to a period of intense self reflection, self improvement, and reinvention...my "lowest point", my breakdown, ended up being the biggest catalyst for evolution and positive change I've ever experienced.  I have found myself, and I love who I am and what I do, and I am now probably the most positive person I know.  I really identify with Chris because of his evolution throughout the show.  That being said, rehashing the dark moments of my life to better relate to Chris has been very challenging, especially when I am also looking less than my best.  It is a necessary evil to make this an authentic performance, but it sucks to put myself back in that state of mind, however temporary.

On the upside, I also get the opportunity in the show to remember when my life changed for the better...it was when I took accountability for my own happiness and success and just starting DOING what I knew needed to be done all along.  Chris has that same opportunity, and I'm really excited that I get to explore that and share that with audience members who have likely been or are going through similar life experiences.  

The phrase "how do you know when you've gotten home" reminds me of once feeling lost and how amazing it has felt to finally be at home within myself and my community of artists and my family.  I am "at home" in so many different ways.  I have so much love and light and creativity around me everywhere I go.  This is only my second show with New Line, but creating art here has felt like another HUGE homecoming for me.  It's an environment in which I feel free to explore endless possibilities, and to be free and open with myself and those around me, to create without fear.  These freaks are not only my cast mates, but they are my friends and my chosen family.  It humbles me and fills me with so much joy to be surrounded by and filled with such positive and creative vibrations.   

THIS feeling is how you know when you've gotten home!!  I am home!